foxiefyre: Life Lesson

Within this post you will find a lesson I had to learn the hard way and a fantsy that would have never worked out.

May 10th, 2007  11:06am Manic Happiness...

Well.. I actually feel happy. I realized on my drive home yesterday that I have felt this way for the past month despite everything that has gone on.

I decided that me going to Indiana was not what I should be doing. I found myself lost in this fantasy world all the time, I would find myself nearly driving off the road or unable to concentrate at work... I took a few days off from talking on the phone for 3-5 hrs plus two nights in a row and realized a lot of things. First off I felt pressured to say I Love you, I was being made to make promises I didn't feel comfortable making, I felt pressure for sex, I felt I was making a lot of the effort ie having to call him all the time (he even sat up one night wanting to talk to me and he didn't have to balls to call me even though he could have), I felt I was lectured a lot for the ways I was feeling. Also I know no one can fix me besides me! 

I broke Mike's heart with my decision.. and well seems we never even were friends because he wont even be my friend now! WTF! Seriously act your age not your shoe size! Also I found out he had been dating after telling me I shouldn't that some offers had come up but he had declined.. Well I find this all to be some crazy shit since I got the line of "you were suppose to be the one." I feel that if I was suppose to be the one he would have fought harder.. or said hey lets take a few steps back and be friends, please still come out here so we can meet but lets just leave it as friends for now so we can see if we have chemistry. Oh fucking well.. I wasted a shit load of my time and well a good chunck of money due to me running up my phone bill.

Despite all of this I am in good spirits. I have booked a trip to Oregon right after my birthday to go see my best friend! Oh gawd I cannot wait! This is what my soul needs! Oh and I am enjoying living in reality again. I have also started to go out more or at least hang out at Keith's house. Went to the movies and saw Hot Fuzz laughed my ass off! I have also started to take a small walk in the morning.. Kinda nice to greet the day..

• Current Mood: content

 

April 7th, 2007 11:0am  Blissful...

 

As usual it has been sometime since I have written here.. so much has happened I find it a bit hard where to begin to describe everything going on in this Gemini’s head and heart.

Well I am goin to INDIANA.. yes I am going to do it April 26-29.. Because it is something I feel I have to do.. I have to make it all truly "real".  I know what I feel is something special and well having a fantasy is awesome but having something to touch and feel and look at is just one of the many things I need from a relationship... Wow, I actually kinda admitted it.. yet at the same time I want to take it slow and enjoy all of it and not make the same mistakes I seem to make time and time again when getting involved with a man. Mike has no fear of rushing.. but I do.. I really want to know what love is and not blindly say that word to look back years later and feel that there was a connection but was it lust or love? I feel like I have found an equal. He is not scared to meet me head on and has even helped to be a fire under my ass from thousands of miles away. If someone had pulled me aside one day and told me I would find someone I would become extremely emotionally attached to in WoW I would have looked at them and laughed.. However, it seems almost anything is possible.

My connection with Mike seems to only grow. He makes my heart flutter in a most indescribable, blissful, peaceful way… I could get addicted to. Or am I already addicted?.. /sigh Would seem so even though I will reluctantly admit it.

 Is this really what love feels like? Love in its purest form?

I really feel blessed and loved by my friends, Mike included. I also feel like I am really finding me again. Which is weird, I feel like I have awoken from some strange dream that I was trapped in.. and I am actually feeling happy. Happy to be alive, to enjoy the sun, my family, my friends, and life. I feel like I need to become more  goal orientated because that is something I have never really done my whole life. I have just kinda lived as best I can, taking in life as it comes. Trying not to worry even though I am Gemini and ALWAYS worry about EVERYTHING. lol.. I know I have many demons inside to combat but I have a feeling I can do it, even if I have to lean on others to accomplish healing me. Rediscovering me is a challenge I thought would be tougher than it has been… I look forward to this journey.

My job seems to have its ups and downs, but I really do love it. I am scared of my evaluation because it asks questions about goals and where I see me in the future.. I have never really had plans like this, due to the only thing constant in life is change. I guess it is to gauge where my strengths, weaknesses, things to improve on and a pay raise. So I believe it is actually a good thing and if nothing else will be a learning experience. I have a good feeling it will all be ok so I am trying not to stress over it at all. It is something out of my control so why stress out over it… even though I know I probably will but at the moment I do my best to set it aside.

• Current Location: Diamond Springs, CA
• Current Mood: indescribable

 

March 23rd, 2007  856am Feeling the Ache of Another...

Yes I can feel Michael’s hurt. I feel the ache he carries soo deep in his heart, as if it were my own to bare. He was in my dreams last night. Left a bittersweet taste in my mouth.. The ache has gotten stronger, I don’t know if that is because he is hurting more as each day passes or if it is me hurting more or the combination of both of us?

I have a feeling Mike is avoiding me; ah we are so very much alike it often scares the crap out of me. If it is space he needs then I will be understanding and give it to him. I feel as if I am being punished, which in some senses I am due to not being able to express myself properly or maybe it is because you can take things the wrong way when people type to you? Could also be the fact that we don’t get all the phone time we want with each other. I can speculate all day and still not know.

 

I long to call him and hear his voice but I do not want to over step any boundaries, deep within I can feel he just needs space and time to figure out if I am someone he truly wants to be close to. I feared this would happen.. I have a way of closing myself off from people I am the closest to. Marria and Jessie have experienced this on many occasions, and we all have been friends for like 11 or 12 years now.

 

I think I have finally truly forgiven Tanya. It has been 5 years since we last spoke and for the past few days we have been messaging each other. I never thought we would ever talk again. Funny how time changes things and makes you forget the bad times. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I have missed her terribly all these years and from what I gather she has missed me too. The irony of not knowing what you have until it is gone. Things are taken for granted too easily. Taking baby steps to rebuild what we once had.

 

I still feel lost. I mean not as much as I did because for once I feel strong still even when I feel a bit weak. I feel like I am discovering who I am again and well trying not to be afraid to do things alone. Has been somewhat of a nice challenge but I know I have so much more to work on.

 

I miss you Mike and I hope you are doing ok; I am still sending you strength even if you don’t want it from me. Hope you have a magnificent day and groovy weekend.

• Current Mood: hopeful

March 22nd, 2007  5:40pm  Going crazy

FUCK! Sums it up pretty nice.. Plus I get some relief for saying that would loud.. LOL FUCK!

Ok... so here goes.. I am going nuts inside and I have injured Mike with my maddness.. Which doesn't suprise me, this was one of the things I feared. I seem to leap before I look, or speak before I talk. I can feel him hurting as I type this.. In fact I have felt his hurt all last night and all today. Been trying to send him strength to help him feel better but I feel like he has kinda closed off from me. I don't blame him, I blame me.

Till another time..

D

• Current Mood: crazy

 

March 12th, 2007  2:52pm  Enduring...

Braving this storm as best as I can. Everything seems hard atm.. Don’t know why. Maybe it is because I am still not feeling all that great and I am pretending that I am because I have to pay my bills.

 

Work is very SLOW… Scares the crap out of me because things have not picked up like we thought they would. I wonder if I need to start looking for another job. I want to keep this one but if I am not at least getting 35-40 hrs a week I can’t survive. I often wonder how the fuck I am suppose to make it in this world.. Gas is now $3.09 for the cheapest and like $3.12 for the grade I buy. But I couldn’t bring myself to buy the middle grade so I went with the cheap shit. Poor car.. How I need to buy a new one.

 

My mom has informed me via email that I will not be getting my student loans paid off any time soon. My heart sank, but somehow I brushed it off. I wanted to cry and scream, but all I could do was go “oh well, I didn’t have the money anyways”. Guess the $10,000 I shouldn’t count on either, so many dreams I had for that money, all crushed till another time.

 

I am longing for Mike terribly… Watching 300 didn’t help that desire one bit. My dreams plague me with a physical contact that is not reachable at this point in time and lets just say I WANT IT BAD… He finds it a little amusing because he hasn’t had any in a while. I call it torture. Batteries FTW!

 

Jay and I finally kinda talked. We are planning to move from where we are by 5/19/07 to a 2 bedroom, I cant seem to find a 2 bath.. but oh well. A door that closes as my own will be worth all the crap I have been through. Donno how long it will work out but it is a step towards something better. Now we just need to talk about how to work as a team to keep the house running. I also need to stop saying things like “If it doesn’t get done it is ok” because that enables him to do nothing..

 

I am lost.. kinda finding myself.. but I still feel lost.. I miss Mike.. What I wouldn’t do just to see him for an hr… What I wouldn’t do for his touch and a mouth kiss.

 

• Current Location: Work
• Current Music: Energy 92.7 FM
• Current Mood: worried

March 1st, 2007   10:27am  Some Inner Peace...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... I feel like I will burst before I can get anything out! 

Well it seems some invisible force propels Mike and myself together... because he couldn't stay away either, which was a shock because I figured he had packed up and bailed. I think he was more attached then he could have ever imagined, as am I.  

 

After a tearful conversation on Tuesday I know I have not.. That we both ached in the same way, seems we can sense how the other feels thousands of miles away.. I only had this connection one other time in my life and that man abused it in every way he could… I hope this connection gets to grow and blossom. Seems Mike is in my head at all times. Doesn’t matter what I am doing I find myself in the depths of my mind with Mike. I don’t 100% understand any of these feelings. Am I suppose to? I am going to say NO! I am just suppose to enjoy them, nurture them, and see what happens good or bad.

 

I don’t fear not being able to pay rent or where I will live because I NEED TO BE HAPPY! At all costs, I will figure out what to do when that time comes. No use freaking out now over things I have no control over. Seems I am a strong person after all.  

 

• Current Location: Work
• Current Music: Energy 92.7 FM
• Current Mood: accomplished

February 26th, 2007  1:08am  Missing Mike...   

The ache gets worse by the day. I long for his words and the sound of his voice, yet I know I will not ever have that comfort again. It really is killing me inside, but what did I expect? That someone so wonderful and understanding as he would wait around for me to pull my head out of my ass? I thought it might be possible till the want for more arised, a want that I am unable to fufill. I miss Mike so muh.. I still cry when I am alone. He is on my mind almost every hour of every day.. and he is popping up in my dreams! I never thought I was this attached.. but I truly am.. 

I talked to Marria on Friday.. She comforted me, made me realize even more how much I really miss that woman. She told me I need to leave Jay and break this cycle we have. That I have to change the norm or I will be stuck and unhappy for the rest of my life. She reminded me how strong I am ... how strong I have always been... and that I need to keep telling myself "I am a STRONG person", even when I don't feel strong. She has really grown up to be one of the most amazing people in my life. She made me realize too.. that I need to do this for me not anyone else. That Dani needs this.. 

I am bored with Jay again. He is annoying me with his cuteness. It never ceases to amaze me how hard he keeps trying to keep me even though I am severly unhappy. I don't understand why he clings so to me.  I dislike being someone's everything.. I lose myself and end up where I am no.. LOST, CONFUSED, and wanting to RUN AWAY. I pray he gets a new job so we can get a 2 bed room... then I think I can pull away and begin to heal.. 

Life seems to get more confusing as I get older. I often wonder if it will be like this forever...

I MSS YOU MIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

• Current Location: Work
• Current Music: Energy 92.7 FM
• Current Mood: depressed

February 09:43 am Numbness...

The effects of my decision will be carried with me for days, weeks, possibly months. I logged on to vent to find Mike there and all I could do was log off. Jay doesn't know the convo Mike and I had so he doesn't know the ache I feel soo deep in my heart. I don't think he could possibly understand and then it would fuel the hate he already has for Mike... Jay asked me the other day y it had to be Mike not Keith.. and I said y? He said because he didn't know Kieth and he valued Mike's friendship.

Yet it is part Jay's fault that I go soul searching for others. Sometimes I wonder if he ever questions himself on why he can't make me happy. He is very manic right now and suffocating me terribly and he doesn't even notice. I just want to cry and scream and make this internal pain go away. Emotional/heart pain is more than I can handle on top of my body pain.

I miss Mike oh soo very much.. but I just don't have it in me to try to talk to him.. because he is suffering and probably feels like he has wasted his time. The dreams I had with him were wonderful.. I could picture us listening to the radio and singing to each other.. Cuddled up on the couch watching Farscape.. Picknics... kisses.. hand holding.. dancing.. fun... all the things I long for. All the things he made me realize I was missing.. All the things now in my saddness I know I am missing. Mike if you only knew how sorry I am.. and how I cry everyday when I am alone. I miss you!

Feeling soo along.. I think I need to call Marria in a bit. God I miss Jesse too. I have to find a way to be closer to both of them. The distance between us is too great and we all miss soo much in our lives because we all live in a different state. Sleep is no comfort either.. it is what I do to escape my body pain but I don't feel rested anymore. I hope my massage helps me.. Next step will be accupunture. Have to do something due to thoughts of killing myself are surfacing after 6 years of living without them.

Learning how to save myself is going to be my biggest challenge.. a side from figuring out where I want to be.

• Current Location: Work
• Current Music: Energy 92.7 FM http://www.kngy.com/index_up.html
• Current Mood: crushed

February 22nd, 2007

03:15pm Trapped in Thought....

"You made your bed, now go sleep in it while I slowly die inside every night."

Rings through my ears as if it was said straight to my face. I have cried off and on all day for hours now.. I feel lost and even more numb than before, however, the only person I have to blame is myself. I am a stupid girl. Stupid for doing this again to Jay.. and Stupid for doing this to myself AGAIN. 

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I hurt me all the time? Sad thing is I don't mean to. The Gemini in me likes to dream and when I feel suffocated I do soul searching. Plus the past still haunts me.. I donno.. 

The part that is the hardest for me is I feel that I have no one to talk to. The more ppl I tell about this the more I feel I am a terrible person.

• Current Location: Work
• Current Music: KFOG
• Current Mood: blank

 

2/22/07 09:25 am  Good or Bad Choices? 

 So I was right.. I have lost the person that was the closest to me.. 

"You have a funny way of showing someone you care for them. And if that' what you think, then you didn't know me at all. You made your bed, now go sleep in it while I slowly die inside every night."

I got my fuck off. It is bittersweet and surreal.. I find myself lost within my head trying to understand everything I feel. 

I have learned: 
I never want to have feelings for 2 men ever again. 
I am weak, no matter how strong I want to be.
I allow myself to be controlled so I keep my roof over my head.
I am still unhappy.

Then why can't I just let go and leave Jay? Why do I cling to somthing that tries soo hard to make me happy, but never truly does. Is it because I love him? Is it because he is familiar? I dont know.. and I dont even know if I will ever know. I feel like I am still dying inside. His pattern of saying he is going to do something and not doing it is showing it's ugly face again.. Just like Mike said it would. But how can I just leave Jay after 4 years for some man that doesn't really even know me and that I barely know myself?

The sad thing is there is no one that can save me.. I have to learn to save myself.

• Current Mood: numb 

 

2/21/07 04:03 pm  tate of Confusion...       

A lot has happened in the last month. I broke up with Jay due to not knowing what I want and our relationship not improving.. I also have feelings for someone I have never met, which complicates everything in my head because I don’t know what I really want other than to learn how to make myself happy.

 

I spoke with Mike last night and let him know how I was feeling and that I didn’t know if I was going to get back together with Jay or not. But that it was looking like I just might. He is devastated and hurt. To which I blame myself because I don’t know what I want.

 

I think Mike is now going to forget about me. Brush me aside and just leave me for the wolves. I understand his pain and frustration. This man has been my shoulder to cry on for months and I think in the back of his mind he hoped we would be together.. so I could heal and find out what love really is. But, I haven’t heard a peep from him today and he usually logs on gmail to chat.. but not today.

 

I feel sooo lost.. Jay has changed but it seems like no matter what he does it is just never good enough for me…

 

I just want to be alone sometimes.. but I know that is not possible..

 

• Current Location: St Helena
• Current Music: Energy 92.7 FM
• Current Mood: blah