lollirot_xx: my letter to him

I know I accuse you of doing wrong
But there's so much guilt I hold in my heart
that I can't bear to hold onto anymore.
I lied a lot, I even went as far as laughing when I knew I was hurting you.
Back in February you let go,
then when you wanted me back I just relaxed and did whatever I wanted.
the truth is, the nights in march i spent with mike meant a lot to me, I definitely
fell in love with him a little bit. I never would have admitted this
But me and him actually did have sex.
Strike one.
Even before that, we were together.
The way I really found out I was addicted to sex was simple;
I'd take whatever I could get.
A married man, a best friend, even a boy I only knew for two weeks
Strike two.
You called me and left me a voicemail
it sounded like you just got done throwing up because I
put you through so much shit.
I decided to take you back,
maybe it'd be different.
then I ended up getting fingered by someone I in the end hated
I didn't even like it!
Strike Three.
Now, here I am. I can't get you out of my head.
you're smile haunts me
i over analyze things you told me
that may have hidden messages
i give you regret and guilt for things that happened
years ago. i get mad for you doing things behind my back
the only time you wanted to tell me, i didn't freak.
i just told the bitch i'd cut her.
any other time when I should have sucked it up
I tried to die,
I wanted nothing more than to slit my own throat instead of hers.
"I thought you loved me"
I can still hear my own fucking voice screaming it.
Strike Four.
I'm out of ways to get you back:
I've tried sweet-talking,
sex,
bragging about new found lovers,
nothing works.
Its finally coming to my attention
you're ready to move on
and leave me behind.
I just wish i didn't have to feel so shitty.

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse