morarwen: Halloween survival guide

[Originally posted Tuesday, October 31, 2006]

All right, so we don't celebrate Halloween down here. Although I might tend towards celebrating Samhain (you know the difference... and if you don't, go learn it!); this time of the year has felt like a fresh beginning for long before I learned what it means.

Anyway, Halloween is too short for us to celebrate properly. We dress up during Carnival season, which lasts two full weeks, around February, and I'll tell you about it when the time comes. We also have three - or even four - official days for the dead, and again I'll tell you when they roll about. But since most of you out there do celebrate, I thought I'd offer a few tips...

First, advice from the movies. Remember, art imitates life!


17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!
10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
9. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

and last but not least...

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!


Thoroughly spooked? I thought so... but don't let me discourage you. Because, you know, there are...


Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating Is Better Than Sex.....

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.

And the #1 reason why trick-or-treating is better than sex.....

1. You can do the whole neighborhood.


Have fun, and the tail-less black sow take the hindmost!