вторник, 9 октября 2007 г.

randomcrap: Another nudge!

And I'm a procrastinator, which doesn't help. so... for those who care (no it's not a pity party, just I don't really care to read my own ramblings anymore, so why would you dear constant reader?) here's somethings. IN list form. With maybe explanations. My old leather chair finally died for the 8th (give or take 2) time. Since I had the buffer, and believe in spending for quality of stuff over quantity of stuff, I went out to get a new chair. For $1,400 which is actually how much I planned on spending. Right before I left I finished the discover goliath off (at bob's prompting) which set me back another 2.5k, but I guess I wasn't really set back all that much since it was inheritance and technically it brough my net worth back up. Alas, I'm a product of today's society which believes in instant gratification. It's a really REALLY nice chair tho. (There were others I liked a little more - read - softer, bigger, etc, but they were in the 1.8 - 2.5k range; 1.4 was what I felt comfortable spending) That, was not a good start for list format. KK and I tried to take a break as of last post. It didn't work out so much due to the fact that she got sick and one of her friends texted me, and it was like - we never planned on taking a break at all. Apparently, 2 for 2 of the last 2 times I've gotten drunk (I should really be writing out two, it doesn't take that much effort, I'm a decient keyboarder - don't need to look at the keyboard anymore once I'm on a roll) I've been a total asshole, and my moods have changed like a sine wave on an oscillator scope. The last, I won't go into detail, and I don't remember any of it, but I practially raped her... and tried to do some things to her that are both illegal in va as well as... well, she didn't want to do. And said some things. Which to me, is bad. Bad sign. Manhandled her a LOT during the sex, and she said she had bruses for a few days. Bad D. On one hand I'm still beating myself up for it, on another, that's not the D I am. Or try to be. This is no longer even an attempt at list format, is it. On the plus note, I havn't cheated on her. And I've had the opportunity - a few times - so I feel good about the self restraint - or maybe I do love her. As I've stated many times - I don't understand me, I don't even try. So there's no way in hell you'll be able to. People who are qualified don't even try unless I pay them, so uhm - fuck it. I have better things to spend the limited amount of money I have right now on. (but you just bought a chair for 1.4k) (yeah - the chair makes me happy and I sit in it all the fucking time - I'd see a shrink for an hour maybe once or twice a week) So we really are taking a break. Just not "breaking up" - cheating is still cheating, atleast as far as I'm concerned. If she has sex with someone else while we're "breaking" I'll find out eventually and that will be that. I'm pragmatic, or I try to be, so wait until we actually break up for the emotional outpouring. They did water main work on the water main at the bottom of the street a few weeks ago. Every fucking time they do water main work I lose something in the house, up until then it was bearable. Now, tho, it took out the hot water to the bathtub. Which means the shower too. (Side note - my only way of pinning the actual time frame down is - it was when Joe was alive. I might get to that later). So after planning and scheming, and finally having a day off with no distractions when I had to do something in the afternoon which meant no cookies during the morning, I took my bathtub faucet apart and fixed it (read - unclogged the pipe) and was able to put it back together and have it work perfectly. Kudos to D. After atleast 2 weeks of cold showers (literally) in the morning (I'm a pre-work shower kinda guy), right after waking up (helped me be extra moody), I took a "close to hot" shower with awesome pressure this morning. Dad has the hot water heater turned to "vacation" so it doesn't keep the hot water hot. Feel free to try this out at my house sometime if you're here before he passes, turn the hot water on in the faucet while you pee, so as to wash your hands after, and I gurantee by the time you finish peeing the hot water will be as hot as it gets. 40gal water heater too - don't worry about running out of hot water. HN died the tuesday before last. Tuesday night. My brother from another mother, G, found him. Called me on the way home from Kat's, where I was hearing about the previous friday night (read: last time I was really drunk, literally 2nd out of 2 times I mentioned earlier) and told me. I thought he was kidding at first, really. It's fucked me up a little bit, time will tell just how badly. Cause, I have nobody to vent to really about dad. HN knew him. His brothers came here from Chicago (where I always have a place to stay if I need it) and were handling his affairs until they found the will that left everything to this guy who wasn't related to him but... it's really really long and complicated. They kinda closed shop, did a memorial service, left me as "caretaker" for his property (I can't go inside, even tho I have a key) which means - don't let it look like "nobody" lives there and have obvious shit fixed and bill them for it. I hear that dude went to probate court today or tomorrow (in which case, I hear that dude is going to probate court, duh) so my duties will end soon. Grapevine says I will get the Reatta, but I don't really care. I want HN back. Everyone else seems to be very... gung-ho on diving up his stuff. Seems crass and dishonorable to me, but as we all know, not only do I have a very skewed sense of honor, but I beat the shit out of myself for it too which causes nothing but more problems. If you only knew how shit seriously eats at me. Bob might have an idea. But (stupid introspection, stop!) maybe I like it. KK and I are really taking a break this time, as afore mentioned. From October 3 to November 3, literally a month non-communication, "before we kill eachother" in her words (I think was said to make me not feel so bad about the crap I do while drunk, and needing a break). Dad's back on Chemo, but not really Chemo. The medicine is for cancer, some sort of receptor blocking drug that's targeted (carboplatin?) doctor mentioned something about "immunotherapy", but not on an actual "Chemotherapy" drug, which I've taken to understand is a "targeted poision". Yay. During the break, apparently the nodules in his lungs (where the dr is really worried) have grown. Some have doubled in size, some have tripled. I see and deal with him every day - I don't know how to feel. He suffers, really makes serious decisions all the time (which scares the shit out of me), I leave him alone in the house every day, and yes, he drives around - he goes places in the PT Cruiser. Starts back up next Wednesday. Dude at work is less annoying since the old people are no longer his friends. He realizes, seriously, that I tolerate him and will converse with him (altho short and snippits, and sometimes I can't help talking to people) so he's kinda calmed down. He fucked up hard with the older people; he left a IM window open where he was talking mad shit about how much he hated them while he took one of his customary 30 min "shit breaks" (he has atleast 2 on any given day - people like that shouldn't look down on my 7 min at a time cig breaks) and I swear on my family bible, they just kinda walked up and read it. Actually called me over to look and I kinda grimaced and went back to work. Maybe, one day, I'll tell about why "I badly wanted him gone" but you know - while I take a little pleasure after the fact, seeing someone make such a stupid mistake really kinda hurt. This is why I'm so paranoid AND I don't fuck around on the computers at work. Why do you think I LOVE my iPhone so much? Hmmmm, safari, perfectly rendered pages, nekked pics of chicks who have boobs almost as nice as "someone I know"'s look? (I'll probably edit this at a later date to something even MORE vague) Plus eventually you know there will be MMS support as well as some sort of chat support. I'm waiting for Leapord (the OSX version) as much as any Apple fanboy for the upgrades and updates that will be available for my iPhone. As much as I waited for... Halo 3 (MIcrosoft), my Chair to be delivered (Scan Furniture), The window seat at work back (altho I'll never admit it - looking out the window, even at some pavement, is better then staring off into the office), but not the event. that takes precidence. i can't ask for it because i know he wouldn't approve of what i'd spend it on. or spending it in general. because of how much everything costs. i... wow, an oven isn't a necessity I digress. i'm going to do something now, be it watch tv or what not. too long a post. ~D

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