понедельник, 8 октября 2007 г.

vwdmkch_lp: Just bitching, bad mood

 I'm just going to be bitching, so if you don't feel like reading about some girl complaining then leave now. That was your warning.

I was having a good day, I woke up when I wanted to wake up and came upstairs and helped my mom bake stuff and we had a good time! We celebrated our Thanksgiving on sunday instead of monday, and when we got over there...I kind of switched moods. You know it's alright, being around family (that I hate) so I'm trying to act content and laugh along and whatever, but do they even acknowledge my presence? No! Because they are fuckin' assholes who are jealous of my family! They say soccer is gay, because they aren't talented enough to take a ball from someone and they have to hit someone to get a ball, yeah real fuckin' competitive that is! My cousin, Curtis Ptolemy, just got drafted to play in the NLL for Boston, and now everyone thinks he's this great fuckin' famous person, even though he is a complete ASSHOLE! Then you got Carl who is trying to be as great as him, but he's just an asshole too. An asshole who brings over a different girl everytime I go over there... Then Cody, who is trying so hard to be better than me, but he's just a fuckin' idiot, how the fuck can you fail a class with 19 fuckin' %!! Christopher is okay, but he better smarten up if he doesn't want to be an asshole like his brothers! Christopher is the only one who talks to me out of those cousins...yeah. My auntie is okay... and my uncle seems to have liked me in the past but I'm not close with them. I used to be. I used to sleep over there and I was the daughter they never had, and we had good times. But my cousins... they did bad things... so we stopped hanging out. Just like my family.

I used to have curly blonde hair, blue eyes, little freckles, and loved everything! Family life was great! My mom and me were really tight, me and my dad used to sit on the deck having a fire, listening to Ac/Dc the whole night! Life was just so fuckin' great. But as everything, all good things must come to an end. Things changed... I can't tell my secrets to my mom, me and my dad barely talk now...I HATE my brother... and Tamara is okay when she wants to be. I want to be good for my mom, she's proud of me. My dad... I feel sorry he didn't get the boy he's always wanted (which I think fucked up our relationship). So I try to be nice with him, sit on the deck with him, but he doesn't want me, he wants my brother to do what I do or something. And my sister is trying to be the all-star child, which is why we call her Cinderella. Where the fuck did I go so wrong though that it changed my life so much?

I never had many friends when I was younger... all the people I knew when I was younger I don't talk to anymore, except a few who I rarely ever talk to now. But this girl I have been friends with since I was 3...we were such good friends, sleep-overs every friday after our soccer games...the forts in the basements...jumping on the trampoline...biking around...dressing up in funny costumes and acting like models infront of my sister... what did I do wrong? We were so close! Jamie! Now you don't even talk to me! Anyone I try to get close to either moves away or dies! Am I that horrible?! John, I fuckin' miss you man! I hope you're happy now with her, now you don't have to be sad for her loss. I've always been quiet though, trying to act like I don't even exist at all. Rex said she is (well I guess somewhat) attracted to my mysteriousness and wonders what is happening in this quiet mind of mine, but what if there was nothing going on inside this brain of mine, and I can't talk to people unless I really begin to trust them. There's no dreams...there's no hopes...living in the past regretting the things I did...how I should have died when I had the chance, instead I just reserve to cutting myself, but it would have saved all of you the hassle. There's nothing extroardinary about me. I don't like people knowing how pathetic I am, so I stay in my quiet zone. Most of the time I am rather thoroughly depressed. And I don't want people to be like well "what do you have to be depressed about" but you people don't know half the shit I go through in my life. I hate fuckin living so fuckin' much! I hate the person I am! I hate this world! You all say we are good friends and stuff, and I'm so happy for that, but there's nothing...having me even just as a friend is having a big log near you. I'm about as interesting as...nothing. And usually it's like, "well if you hate your life so much why don't you kill yourself then" but it's not that easy. I want to over come all this shit. I want the life I've always dreamed of, even if it's in this shitty world. (I can't believe I'm actually going to post this.)

Love is another complex thing in life... I don't deserve someones love, even if I love them to death. I love my friends, you're all so great! You encourage me to live through another day! But the thing I hate the most about it is the person who made me want to live doesn't feel the same way I do about him. He could have any girl he wanted... why would he wait around for me to finish high school to be with him? We need to see each other again, eye-to-eye. If we still together, next summer for sure... but I think he's bored of me now. I text him throughout the day, and out of those I usually get...2 messages back. Sometimes at night we talk to each other til we fall asleep... I send him text messages through out the night from all the times I wake up, but in the morning he never answers any. All I get now is "Mami! I love you to!" ..........he doesn't realize how much I need him. That's why girls were always more understanding... (don't tell no one about me and girls/guys though!)...they just complain a lot more. But I love the whole you're upset, I'll cuddle with you til you feel better and whatever. I love that romantic and cute lovey-dovey stuff. I just want love! I'm deprived of all that love...all I get is hugs...from my friends... but I want more! (Not saying anymore about what more is but...) I just really need to be near my love and feel that affection. I feel so cold and distant...I hate it.

Well... I ran out of pepsi... and the last few chips that were in my pringle container... and I feel alittle bit relieved... I don't feel like crying so much now XD. I'm tired now too. *yawns* If you actually read through all that...how about a hug! (})! I haven't really been writing in my diary... it now just collects dust and blood...lovely. :) Well you take care, and have a good day/night. For me... NIGHT! Once I get downstairs I'll probbaly just collapse on my bed... so instead of just talking about it I'm going to go now. Bye!

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